Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: The First Black Astronaut, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Candle

Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: The First Black Astronaut, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Candle


[ Theme song plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Hey, everybody. That was Fred Armisen
and The 8G Band. So many thanks to Syd Butler,
Seth Jabour, Eli Janney, and Marnie Stern who are all
in their own homes, but figured out a way
to play the theme song for us. This is our second day
of doing remote shows. We’re working out the kinks,
you guys. We can appreciate that the sound
and video can be a little bit better, and we are taking steps
to improve that. Also, lighting, too, but that —
we got to fix that light. That’s the sun, see? I can’t lean in. So I’m back here. Also, shout out to YouTubers
who have been doing this for a long time and making us
feel like real dopes this week. [ Chuckles ]
I tip my hat. So, anyways, we’re going to have
“A Closer Look” for you tomorrow,
but we wanted to do more of our other
favorite things on the show. And here’s the premise,
you guys — We do a lot of jokes on our show
that due to having a diverse writing staff,
some of them don’t sound right coming from me,
a straight white man. We decided that we should still
tell you some of those jokes, which brings us to a segment
we call, “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” ♪♪ Hey, everybody.
These are two of our writers. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women.
-And I’m not. So here’s how it works. I’m gonna read the setups
to these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. All right, everybody.
Are you ready? Here we go. First setup, the footwear
company Crocs is working
with the makers of marshmallow Peeps to release clogs
in pastel colors. -Said lesbians,
“You had me at clogs, but you lost me at pastel.” -There you go.
That’s how this works. Moving on,
the Smithsonian Channel recently released a documentary
called, “Black in Space” about
the first black astronaut. -Said the astronaut, “I did it. I finally got away
from all these white people.” Hey, Seth, you know,
a black astronaut is just like a white astronaut,
except his boots are spotless. -All right.
I will take your word for it. Moving on,
the cosmetics chain Sephora will open 100 new stores. -“That’s where I buy my makeup,”
said lesbians about Walgreens. -All right. And that’s good news
for lesbians, ’cause Walgreens is probably
still open during the pandemic. -Probably one of the few places. -Hey, Jenny, what does it look
like when lesbians wear makeup? -Looks kind of like this.
-Oh, are you pointing at me? -No. No.
-It looks like this. -All right. All right.
I’m moving on now. So far in the Democratic
primary, former Vice President Joe Biden has won 86% of
the African-American vote. -That’s right. Black people
have given Joe Biden a resounding [sigh] Okay. -Hey, Amber, how are you gonna
vote on election day? -The same way all
black people vote — I’m gonna call in sick, drive 50 miles
to my nearest polling place, have a lady tell me my name
is not on the list, insist that it is, show her
my voter registration card, shut her up,
stand in line for seven hours, and then vote for someone
who may or may not keep their promises
to black people. That’s democracy! -That was beautiful, Amber.
That was really beautiful. -Thank you. So am I. -An animal rescue group
in South Carolina is seeking volunteers
to cuddle with 100 pigs. -“I love cuddling with pigs,”
said straight women. -[ Gasps ] Jenny!
How dare you! My husband is a pig!
-[ Chuckles ] -He’s one of the good ones. -Hey, um, let’s let people
behind the scenes for a minute for “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” Do you guys want to explain
what we call it when there is a volley
of dialogue after the jokes? -Amber,
I think you should say it. -You think?
Well, we have the regular jokes, and then anything
we say in between, we call them
the black and forths. -The black and forths.
The black and forths. -All right, let’s move
on to another joke. The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was
pulled over by police recently. -They figured a wiener
that big had to be black. -Amber! -You know what the police said
when they saw him? Look out, he’s got a bun! -Okay, that one, that was
the dumbest part of this. Hey, a right-wing radio host
last week blamed gay people for San Francisco’s
coronavirus shutdown. -Officials are calling it
not the worst thing gay people have been blamed for. -Yep. That one’s very true. According to a new report,
more Americans are watching
the adult website PornHub as they practice
social distancing. -So, please, wash your hands. -[ Chuckles ] Gwyneth Paltrow’s website
is selling a candle that she claims smells
like her vagina. -Said a lesbian coming home
to her wife, [ Sniffing ]
“Are you cheating on me?” -[ Laughs ] I do want to note
that some of these are playing exactly as well
as they would with an audience. [ Laughter ] -Oh, here’s one. Everybody’s gonna like this one.
-Oh, yeah. -Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh has made the court’s cafeteria
add pizza to the menu, which has been described
as “just below Pizza Hut, and just above the average
gas station offering.” -Well, you know what they say —
pizza is like sex. Even when it’s bad,
Brett Kavanaugh will still try
to force it on you. -[ Chuckles ] -Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one? -Oh, I don’t know, guys. -Come on, Seth, just one. -I feel like it’s not
gonna end well. -Do it! Do it!
-Okay, okay, I trust you guys. You wouldn’t lie to me
during a pandemic. The Cheesecake Factory
is coming out with a new ice cream flavor
made with their cheesecake. So if you want cheesecake
and you want ice cream, you’re probably on your period. -[ Gasps ] Seth!
-[ Whimpering ] I’ll do another one.
-Okay. -A man in Massachusetts
was arrested after meeting a woman on a dating app and then forcing her
to drive the getaway car after he robbed a bank
on their first date. But she’s over 30, so she’s
gonna try to make it work. -How dare you?! -You both told me that
it would be okay! -You should be
ashamed of yourself. -I am not ashamed of myself, but I tell you one thing
that I know to be true — Black women
and lesbians are liars! ♪♪ Hey, guys, give it up
for Amber and Jenny. Give it up for all of our staff who are making this all work
remotely. And thank you so much
for being patient with us as we work out the kinks. And, yeah,
we will see you tomorrow with another “A Closer Look.”
Thank you all for watching.

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: The First Black Astronaut, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Candle”

  1. I love this segment i just wished the sound was better and the was audience so it wouldn’t be this awkward…

  2. I love Amber and Jenny (and I guess Seth). Thank you guys for coming together and making another fantastic "Jokes Seth Can't Tell".

  3. Guys, I appreciate how hard you’re working to keep working during this. Plus, mah girl Amber, WHAT?!?!?

  4. Omg …. I never realised how much work goes into a production …… finished product in studio is awesome and hilarious…. at home must be very hard and I see that now…. I thank you you guys for your effort in this crisis and love closer look and jokes Seth can’t tell…. (one of the 2m that watch Seth everyday , from spain)

  5. It’s not a good look when the “cis white male” host has a nice house and his staff have a couch in the alley ;-D just kidding of course, I’m sure I could never afford where they live ;-]

  6. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, in these trying times, we really, really need “Amber Says What?”

  7. Excellent content. Hey Joke writers here in y-tube land. Add your 'can't tell jokes' in my replies. I need a lift in my WA state isolation. Thnx

  8. Good job. I like the praise to youtubers that make vlogs or home videos work. Its one of thous things that only trying you can see its not as easy as it sound.

  9. Thank you so much for this!! Being stuck at home this made the day a little fun and break from the crap going on…if only for 10 minutes!! LOL!!

  10. Hey guys – thanks for staying tuned even in home office! How else should I get my info’s about USA‘s administration shitfu*ery condensed in 10 brilliant minutes!! Greetings from good ol‘ 🇩🇪

  11. Loving the new format! Where can I get tickets for a live show?

    (just in case: yes, i'm joking about the live show.)

  12. Love the kid's jumping on the bed!
    You guy's are doing a great job.
    Thanks for not feeding us the re-runs.
    What's the point of having all this technology if we don't use it at a time like this. 😂
    Peace, love and health be with you All!
    KEH 🇨🇦

  13. While some of these had me snorting, good thing I'm working from home, I am very happy to continue to see watch and listen to these. It brings a sense of comfort to see the easy going normalcy in all this.

  14. The jokes were good, but a number weren't ones that belonged in the section, as Seth could have told them. The best, though, wasn't really a joke. How Amber was going to vote was funny but far too painfully close to the truth for many voters.

  15. Mr. Meyers try putting a cardboard box behind you. Your room is to large and your voice is echoing off the ceiling to the walls and back to the mic. Or just record in the closet

  16. You know that the writers of Seth's show make more money when there audio and video feeds are a lot better. #brokeassseth

  17. Y'all are awesome. Thank you so much for bringing light into these dark and troubled times. God Bless 🙏🌠💕

  18. I love the shout out to YouTuber's off the top. I was honestly shocked at how hobbled all these late night guys were when first simply stripped of their audience. Then when they were sent home, good lord. I immediately thought to myself, YouTuber's do this all the time, what's the problem? You guys can't be that spoiled, right? I guess they are. Some of them are finding their legs but some of them are a sad mess outside the machine of a fully functioning network studio. I have full faith in Seth's gang, though.

  19. You probably won't see this, but on the off chance you do, if you want to improve the audio quality, a good tip is to record in your closet! I've got a lot of narrator friends who started out in their closets because clothes absorb the echo and stuff. I know this sounds like a joke, but I swear this is an actual tip.

  20. When you’re a YouTuber and Seth says “shout out to all the YouTubers…” 😃🥰🙈 Seth, Amber, Jenny and the music band and editors are doing an amazing job!! 👏👏👏👏💕

  21. The band was great. I didn't understand the footwear stuff" with Amber and Jenny, but loved the rest. Kudos and thanks. *I'm not American.

  22. i loved this. as i was sitting at home with my mic'd headset , it was just like i was the fourth person on the call.

  23. I want those two women for friends. I love this segment. I also love "Amber says what." They are not just (Black|Gay) and women, they are very smart and very funny.

  24. It is so wild that million dollar jobs and companies have way worse equipment that 16 year olds in their basement. So Strange. Its like the rich dont actually get the highest tech stuff.

  25. All of the late night hosts are doing such a great job; it's so impressive and I'm incredibly grateful! We need the laughs now possibly more than ever, which is really saying something these days. Something about Seth's style is perfectly suited to this setup; I'm loving it! And even if I wasn't a fan, I would have been 100% hooked by that opening with Fred Armisen and The 8G band and some kids on a sofa… The sound and video quality are honestly are not a big deal to begin with (for me, anyway), and this has been fantastic~ I'm really looking forward to more!!

  26. All of the late night hosts are doing such a great job; it's so impressive and I'm incredibly grateful! We need the laughs now possibly more than ever, which is really saying something these days. Something about Seth's style is perfectly suited to this setup; I'm loving it! And even if I wasn't a fan, I would have been 100% hooked by that opening with Fred Armisen and The 8G band and some kids on a sofa… The sound and video quality are honestly are not a big deal to begin with (for me, anyway), and this has been fantastic~ I'm really looking forward to more!!

  27. Seth is naturally snarky, good looking and intelligent. What more could anyone want in a President? Run for it, Seth!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *