Sam Simmons Live at the Apollo

Sam Simmons Live at the Apollo


– All right! Hello, Apollo! We’ll address this straight away. I’m well aware that I look like a Super Mario brother had sex with a Spaniard at Betfred, but that’s the look I’m going for tonight, people. It gets worse, though. Look at this. I look like, er… I look like all the faces from the children’s board game Guess Who?… condensed into one head. All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside. Let’s see what it looks like on the inside. Let’s go! – RECORDED VOICE: – Do you, like, fully get into it? – What are you talking about? What are you talking about again? Yeah, I know bread, mate. I know bread. – Oh, you know bread. – I like toast. DISCO MUSIC STARTS PLAYING Yeah, I, erm, fully get into bread. I like bread when I good. – Er… New bread. What are you going on about? What’s going on? – Bread. What’s going on with this disco music, man? What’s with the music? – Er, it’s for the bread. Er, when you’re putting on bread shoes. – You should have just said, “Putting on bread shoes”! Oh, yeah. This one’s going out to all the ladies out there who like to wear bread on their feet. # Bread shoes # Put on your bread shoes APPLAUSE # Put on your bread shoes, # bread shoes on your feet. # – MUSIC STOPS So, that’s the vibe we’re going for, ladies and gentlemen. That’s it. – APPLAUSE I’m a strong flavour. I’m like the coriander of comedy. Deal with it. Hey, this is a fun thing to do. This is a good, fun thing to do when you get poor customer service from someone. If someone’s being an arsehole to you behind the counter, and you go to get your change back, OK? Don’t go like that. Just go like that. 40% of the time, all of the time, they’ll try to balance the coins on top of your hand. And don’t break eye contact. Just like, “Yes, yes, yes!” Here’s a fun thing to do next time you go to one of those shit shops like Poundland, or “POUNDland”, if you’re in Scotland. Sorry, the north. They’ve always got shit names. You know those shit shops? I call them The Shit Shop back at home. They’ve always got stupid names, like Price Slap and Bargain Sluts. Anyway… Go into one of those shops, and look for the most redundant item you can find. It’s not hard. Those shops are just full of shit you do not need. Like an oven mitt/alarm clock, you know what I mean? Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need. Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide, and I walked in there and I found myself a ceramic reindeer standing on top of a grassy mound, with a thermometer just coming up off the side. You know when you need to get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick? Make sure there’s a few on the shelf. Make sure there’s about 20 there. Get out of the shop, OK, once you’ve found your shit item. Wander back about a week later. Go straight in, right to the person working behind the counter, and go, “Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me. “I’m looking for something maybe like a reindeer. “Doesn’t have to be a reindeer, mind you. “Could be any type of ungulate or hoofed animal. “The catch is, it’s got to have “some measurement of weather attached to the side of it.” This guy lost his mind. He’s like, “Oh, my God, I’ve got exactly that item!” When he brings it back, though, when he brings it back, just hold it and go, “Yeah, it’s kind of like what I was looking for. “It’s just not for me, though.” All right, guys, it’s going to get weird now. So this next piece is called Things That Shit Me. These are things that piss me off. Let’s go. Things that shit me – when you walk into a room, and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place. Oh, yeah! Things that shit me – having to hug people you don’t know very well. Not you! Get in here! Things that shit me – this picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972. Now the sad thing about this book here is, if it was first published in 1972, they’re all dead now. It’s just a book of dead cats. Dead, dead, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. Every one of them’s dead. Dead, dead, dead. They’re all dead! APPLAUSE Things that shit me – those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops. “Do you guys got croissants?” Things that shit me – really confusing television commercials. – JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS inspiration, synergy, refreshment. Be who you are – The Waffle House. Things that shit me – my impression of a little shy guy. – Stop it. – Yes, you do. – I don’t think I’m so good! Stop it. You stop it. – You stop it first. – You little shy guy. I just get a little bit weird in front of 3,000 people I don’t know. What? Stop looking at me. Stop that! Please stop. Please don’t stop. Please don’t stop. Things that shit me – the fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist because if I hold up a pot-plant like this, I look like a sex pest. What? Stop it! Things that shit me – DISCO MUSIC PLAYS One for you, man! It’s all right. Just let me get over there. Just a minute. It’s all right. I’m trying to get back here. It’s fine. It’s fine, come on. Come on! It’s fine. Come on, now. It’s all right, it’s all right. Get in there! Just get in! It’s not real! Things that shit me – – me. – CHEERS Sam Simmons! Gina, I’ve got too much stuff to pick up. – CHEERS – Just get your stuff, Sam. Take that massive cock with you. – Take it. Just in case you were wondering. – Sam Simmons! You guys have been fantastic tonight. You’ve seen myself, Gina Yashere, you’ve seen Ellie Taylor, and Sam Simmons. Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo. Goodnight. Thank you. Goodnight.

100 thoughts on “Sam Simmons Live at the Apollo”

  1. How did He get a chance at The Apollo? He Sucks.. He Could do some Adult Swim skits for like that weird Tim and Eric show.

  2. Is it just me or does an oven mitt with an alarm clock sound like a good idea? It might just save me from burning things.

  3. I was genuinely surprised at how much i was laughing,… tears were being jettisoned from my face and i ended up with a stomach cramp. – I loved everything about this, i really want to see more of Sam.

  4. The skits were lame as fuck, the first bit about his appearance and the reindeer thermometer thing made me chuckle, though.

  5. The only comedian I can think of that just wants to be silly and make people laugh, rather than trying to be a comedy gangster

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