Ladies and Gentlemen, Hasan Minhaj *Cheering and clapping* Wow Thank you. Wow. Oh my god. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the series finale of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. *laughter* Oh man. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or as i’ll be known in a few weeks, number 830287 *laughter* Who would have thought, with everything going on in the country right now, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage for the ninth year in a row baby! we had 8 years of Barack, whats another year, i see you “fam” I see you Barry, what you doin’ right now? You jet skiing while the world burns? That’s cool, that’s cool. That’s cool. For those of you who don’t know me, I am a correspondent on the Daily show on Comedy Central. Now I see some of you whispering to each other, “What is Comedy Central?” Um, its basically an internship for Netflix. *quiet laughter* I’d like to than Jeff Mason and the White House Correspondence association for having me. I would say “it is an honor to be here” but that would be an alternative fact. It is not, uhhhh, no one wanted to do this, so of course it lands in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig! No one. Don Rickles died just so you wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, alright? RIP to Don Rickles, the only Donald with skin thick enough to take a joke like that. RIP to the legend. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Tha-that’s my only— That’s my o-only Trump joke. I was explicitly told not to go after the administration. I promise you, That’s my only Trump joke. (“You were not told that!”) Believe me. it is amazing to be surrouded by some of the greatest journalists in the world and yet when we all checked into the Hilton on friday we all got a USA today everytime a USA today slides underneath my door it’s like they’re saying, “hey, you’re not that smart right ?” USA today is what happens when the coupon section takes over the newspaper Is this an article about global warming or 50 cents off tide Either way, the pictures are so pretty Tonight, is about defending the first amendment and the freed press and I am truly honored to be here. I don’t have a solution on how to win back trust Because you are how the president gets his news Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies You can’t make any mistakes because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority And… and I can see some of you guys complaining, like what? I gotta work twice as hard for half the credit? Remember… You’re a minority! You guys got a lot more experience than me, but I got three decades of being brown. So if you want to survive the age of Trump, you gotta think like a minority. And now that you’re a minority, oh man… Everyone is gonna expect you to be the mouth piece for the entire group. So I hate to say it, but somewhere right now… all of you are being represented… by Heraldo Rivera. See now that you are truly a minority there is a distorted version of you out there you know… Taco Bell for Mexican culture Panda Express for Chinese culture Huffington Post for Journalism And Then When you actually manage to do great work You get hit with the most condescending line in the English language Hey… You’re actually one of the good ones Then you have to smile and say “Thank you” Kinda sucks, doesn’t it? By the way, you guys are not really minorities, you guys are super white…. but… …but…I can see MS NBC behind, “We got our minority card…” No! … but your work is invaluable. And I mean that, as a fake journalist. I am rooting for you. We’re a hundred days in. One thousand, three hundred and sixty days to go. You guys are running the marathon, and I’m at the half-mile mark giving you tape for your nipples. So I’m wishing you nothing but the best! You chafed then, you’ll chafe ….. a long way to go! This …. This has been one of the strangest events I have ever done in my life… I’m being honest with you! Like, I feel like I’m a tribute in The Hunger Games… Like, if this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me… but… I was asked to not roast the President and the administration, in their absentia … and I completely understand that. We are in a very strange situation, where there’s a very combative relationship between the press and the President but now that you guys are minorities just for this moment You might understand the position I was in and it’s the same position a lot of minority kids feel in this country and it’s, you know, “Do I come up here, and just try to fit in…? … and not ruffle any feathers?” … Or do I say how I really feel?” Because this event is about celebrating the First Amendment and Free Speech. Free Speech is the foundation of an open and liberal democracy from college campuses to the White House Only in America can a first generation Indian-American Muslim kid get on this stage, and make fun of the President! The orange man behind the Muslim ban! … and it’s a sign to the rest of the world it’s an amazing tradition, that shows the entire world that even the President is not beyond the reach of the First Amendment. But the President didn’t show up! Ale prezident se nezjel! … because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech! The man who tweets everything that enters his head refuses to acknowledge the Amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it, it’s almost, what is it, eleven? It’s eleven pm right now. In four hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicky Minhaj bombed at this dinner! … and he’ll be doing it, completely sober! … and that’s his right! and I’m proud that all of us are here tonight to defend that right. even if the man in the White House never would. So I’d like to thank the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me here… I want to thank all of you. I want to thank Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a generation of journalists… and I would like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring the next! Thank you so much, it’s been an honor Good night! I love you! Thank you! Thank you, guys, I really appreciate it. Thank you!